October On Pace To Be Three Years Long
Life

U.S.—So, it looks like we’re gonna be here for a while. A report from the Institute of Chronological Awareness suggests the month of October is on track to be three years long. Based on metrics from the first few days of the month, researchers are projecting the usual thirty-one-day month will be closer to a thousand days this year. The report came after multiple analyses of the data.

“We double-checked and triple-checked, but the numbers kept coming back the same,” said lead chronologist Thaddeus Greenman. “When November arrives, we’ll all be three years older, your car will have depreciated by three years, and any three-year cheddars will be good to go.”

Members of the institute wished they had better news for folks slogging through an already tumultuous year, but their duty is to report the facts as they come.

“It’s going to be hard to wait three years for October to end,” said assistant researcher Sandra Bloke. “I just hope everything gets back to normal in early November.”

Factoring in the two-year March and the four-year April, a three-year October would make 2020 the first year ever to be a decade long.

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