TEXAS—In an interview with reporters after a visit to an immigrant detention center, a visibly shaken Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez insisted that Border Patrol agents had turned her into a newt.
"How do you know Border Patrol is evil?" a journalist asked.
"Why, they turned me into a newt!" she cried. "I walked into that concentration camp and right away I knew I wasn't safe, because they pulled out their spellbooks and pointy witches' hats and started muttering ancient incantations. The next thing you know, I was a small, semiaquatic, salamander-like creature." She also claimed they all had long, warty noses and hats, though she later admitted she dressed them up like that.
The obvious question came to mind.
"Uh... a newt?" one bewildered reporter asked.
During the few awkward moments of silence that followed, you could "almost" hear the gears in Ocasio-Cortez's head slowly begin to turn, creaking from disuse. She suddenly realized the hole in her story, that she was no longer a newt.
Thinking fast, she replied, "I got better."
Readers of the Bee,
If just a small fraction of our visitors became subscribers, we'd have enough funding to stop running ads and reduce our dependence on big tech companies like Facebook and Google. Will you partner with us to make this possible?
