OAKLAND, CA — To help emergency responders deal with a recent surge in crime, Mayor Shen Thao has asked Oakland residents to use air horns to help announce when they've been stabbed or shot.
"We just don't have time for all these people calling 9-1-1 and screaming about being stabbed," explained Mayor Thao. "From now on, we are asking all residents to please refrain from such theatrics and just announce your stabbing with one quick blast on an air horn."
With Oakland police no longer able to respond to the incredible number of crimes, the Mayor's office believes the air horn system will help reduce the burden on first responders. "This will really help us triage who actually needs help," said Mayor Thao. "One blast on the horn means you've been stabbed, so we know it's not so serious. Two blasts means you've been shot, and we're going to really try to prioritize getting to those people. Now if the bullet just grazed you, don't go out there blasting your horn twice, ok? Have a little integrity."
According to sources, the city will be distributing an air horn to every citizen, free of charge. "Wow, my own free air horn in case of stabbing! Thanks, Oakland!" said local man Dennis Reyes. "It's a pretty ingenious system. If you listen close, it's almost like the city has its own music now. I just heard a stabbing, someone got shot...oh, another stabbing! It's got a rhythm to it."
At publishing time, Governor Newsom had asked if citizens could please stop blowing all those air horns so he could prepare for his debate about who is the best governor.
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