WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold statement of strength and resolve, President Joe Biden vowed to keep up the war effort against Russia as long as any Ukrainian man, woman, or child was left drawing breath to fight.

"As President of America, I am willing to sacrifice as many Ukrainian lives as it takes," said Biden. "We will keep using Ukraine to fight a proxy war until an entire generation is dead and all of my money is laundered. You have my word!"

As the war rages on, Biden reiterated his support for Ukrainians fighting hard while he sits back and watches. "The United States is proud to hide behind the Ukrainian people as a nation full of human shields," he said. "Even if it leads to Putin using nuclear weapons on the people of Ukraine, we are willing to take that risk. End of speech. Walk away from podium."

When reached for comment on Biden's speech, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky remained committed to the war effort. "We are grateful for our American friends," Zelensky said. "We will keep fighting for the American politicians and their right to become wealthy while our people die. Also, tell Biden I also need a PS5."

At publishing time, Biden had urged Ukraine to do him a solid and start bombing China.

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