WASHINGTON, D.C. - Shortly after Joe Biden promised to cure cancer if he is elected president, presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren attempted to one-up her opponent, promising to cure smallpox as one of her first actions upon taking office.
"We will fend off the smallpox attacks of the white man," she said while sipping "fire water" in a live video posted to her social media accounts. "If I am elected, I will find a way to end this scourge on our people and send the white devils back across the great sea where they came from."
Warren also vowed to support housing construction by funding new low-cost wigwams, longhouses, and teepees across the land.
Her policies would also address hunger. "I promise a buffalo over every fire!" she said, before giving off a war cry that she had found on Google and carefully rehearsed ahead of time.
"A vote against me is a vote for the smallpox blankets the white man used to oppress our people!" she concluded.