NEW YORK CITY, NY — After musical artist and professional twerker Lizzo made waves by playing James Madison's crystal flute on stage, Beyoncé upped the ante by performing in Times Square wearing George Washington's false teeth.
"Howth ethyone doointh tonighth?" yelled out Beyoncé to the confused crowd while adjusting the lead-tin alloy and horse teeth dentures. "We haf a great showth for youf!"
The Library of Congress confirmed they had loaned the priceless historical artifact to the singer, allowing her to be the first person to wear the teeth since a coroner removed them from dead George Washington's mouth over 200 years ago.
"History is so cool," tweeted Beyoncé later that night. "I wore Washington's teeth! What an honor!"
Pundits on the Left praised the stunt as a powerful way to "stick it to the slave-owning founding father." Conservatives cried foul over the "desecration of one of America's greatest and most beautiful treasures." Beyoncé's record label claimed victory as the event led to a slight uptick in web traffic and sales for the singer.
At publishing time, representatives for Megan Thee Stallion also joined in, confirming plans to have her twerk while wearing Lincoln's top hat.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
