FORT MYERS, FL — As emergency crews worked tirelessly to rescue Floridians with the sense to stay out of Georgia, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky was seen on a rescue boat, paddling door to door and asking for donations to support the war effort against Russia.
Zelensky explained to victims of Hurricane Ian that $60 Billion was barely enough to buy a few drones from American arms dealers and that the Rolex on his wrist was a knock-off.
"Madam, is that your purse floating away in the raging torrent?" said Zelensky to an elderly woman fighting off a gator. "If you could swim over and grab it, that'd be great. Every little bit helps."
Zelensky was seen throughout Fort Myers weaving between rescue boats and flooded homes, reminding Floridians who had not yet succumbed that Putin was pure evil. After that, he took some time to visit any celebrities who lived nearby because he had only met most of them via Zoom. One Floridian called from her rooftop to remind Zelensky she had already helped by changing her profile picture to the Ukrainian flag for nearly three weeks.
At publishing time, Congress had passed the Hurricane Ian Recovery Act, aimed at sending FEMA workers and $30 Billion to Ukraine.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: