LOS ANGELES, CA – According to reports, a concert venue of 750 saw record amounts of strained, polite smiles and lackluster cheers as a band that has been popular for 23 years played a shocking 9 songs of new material before getting to the hits and deep tracks that they actually wanted to hear.
"I'm happy they're still active, I really am – but it's honestly draining when they hit the 3rd song I've never heard before and can't sing along to…couldn't they wait to add these to the rotation until after the album has been released?" Concertgoers spoke to reporters about the ordeal, reporting that the tepid responses to the new material failed to register with the band, who again asked "who wants to hear another song from the upcoming album!" to a cool reception of scattered golf claps.
Fans report that the band's appeal came from the raw, authentic, and emotive outpourings of their early albums, but that their recent efforts had been marked by an overproduced sound. "Whatever boardroom of cynical corporate songwriters trying to ‘appeal to the youth' or whatever soulless focus group approved these recent songs is out of touch – any studio executives who green-lit that last album should be lined up and shot!" The fan who reporters spoke to had expressed his exasperation while standing outside the venue, and even as he endured the chemically-manufactured stench of the vapers hanging around outside, but confirmed it was better than hearing low-effort songs from a band that had "once lit his heart aflame." The frontman was heard hollering "How about another new one???" to the collective groan of the fans who had not yet trickled outside.
At publishing time, the band had finally started playing their beloved hits but found themselves playing to a near-empty room as all but their most avid fans had exited the venue in an apparent strike.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
