THE ARK — After two weeks sailing upon the flood waters in the ark, Noah began to think that bringing the woodpeckers along may have been a bad idea.
"Another hole?? Dang woodpeckers," growled Noah, patching a puncture in the ark's hull. "I'll feed you to the owls, you hear me?? Don't think I won't do it!"
The woodpecker issue reportedly began to rear its ugly head shortly after the ark rose upon the waters. "Where do these holes in the ship keep coming from - and what the heck is that hammering sound??" asked Noah. "Oh man - I forgot about the woodpeckers! A wooden ship with woodpeckers, Lord? Ughhh...this is going to get annoying."
In addition to the woodpecker trouble, Noah quickly discovered the ark also had a severe beaver problem. "THAT'S THE BOTTOM DECK, YOU MORONS!" screamed Noah as he chased the beavers away. "Where's a wolf when you need one? I just don't get how - HEY! WHO BUILT A DAM OUT OF MY KITCHEN TABLE?"
Noah then once again inquired of the Lord if he was only supposed to bring animals onto the ark, or if he had to keep them alive.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.