DEATH STAR — In a massive technological breakthrough, the Galactic Empire has at last developed a door that doesn't simply open when you shoot the control panel with a blaster.
"This is a huge step forward for the Empire," reported Admiral Tarkin. "Frankly, our security has been a bit embarrassing up to this point."
Despite successfully developing a weapon capable of destroying entire planets, the Empire had previously failed in all its efforts to create a door that would stay locked. "It's been so frustrating," said Darth Vader. "I have force-choked SO many people out of anger because of these stupid door controls. Sith Lords need a little privacy, ok?"
According to sources inside the Rebellion, the new door controls may severely hamper efforts to beat back the Galactic Empire. "This will make things way harder," said Admiral Ackbar. "If you were ever captured, one blaster shot and you were out of jail. Prison was a joke. Now, it's a trap!"
At publishing time, scientists for the Galactic Empire still remained stumped as to how to make a right-handed blaster for stormtroopers.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
