WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Biden campaign has added a stunt double that will step in for the President to perform high-risk stair scenes.
"Stairs are a young man's game," said campaign staffer Veronica Jones. "Anything more than stepping off a curb, we're sending in the stuntman."
After scouring hundreds of nursing homes for a look-alike stuntman, the Biden campaign chose seventy-year-old Donald Wiggins of Phoenix, Arizona. "The guy moves like a gazelle," said Secret Service Agent Ron Haddox. "Well, maybe it's that I've grown accustomed to Biden's pace. I usually budget about twenty minutes per staircase. We've actually had to work with Donald to slow down on the stairs so people don't get wise to the switch."
Sources inside the administration say the stuntman hire has thus far been a smashing success. "Donald has been a real godsend," said Ms. Jones. "The only issue we ran into was at a speech in Denver, when we used Donald to get up the stairs onto a stage but couldn't get him switched back out before the speech. We told Donald to just mumble under his breath about pancakes for a couple minutes, and no one was the wiser. It might have been one of the campaign's best speeches."
At publishing time, President Biden had unfortunately suffered twenty-three fractures from stepping off a small curb.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.