WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House today turned over press conference duties to President Biden's cue card, who hosted the press corps solo as Biden himself was out sick.
"We have no idea how this inanimate cue card had typed-up, bullet point answers for every single question - but wow!" said Press Secretary Karine Jeanne-Perre. "That cue card gave an absolutely flawless performance out there."
Reporters were really, genuinely shocked to discover the small slip of paper had pre-printed answers to all of their tough questions. "It's a mystery is what it is," said L.A. Times reporter Courtney Subramanian. "I don't know how it outsmarted me on every answer it gave. I mean, I definitely, definitely didn't give anyone these questions ahead of time. That cue card is simply dynamite!"
With the cue card seeming to have every question and answer pre-written, sources inside the White House began questioning if humans ought to even be present at future press conferences. "It seems a bit redundant at this point," said Biden aide Margot Reynolds. "The cue card already has all the questions and answers, so we might as well just let it do the work. Plus, it would really cut down on all the gaffes KJP has to explain. That cue card might be the best player on our team."
At publishing time, the cue card announced that it would participate in primary debates while Biden was out on vacation.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
