WASHINGTON, D.C. — As more states across the country prepare to hold their primaries, Republican presidential hopeful Nikki Haley scored a ringing endorsement from voters in the nation's capital, marking her as the heavy favorite among lizard people.
The win, Haley's first of the primary season, shows a clear preference on the part of the mysterious race of humanoid lizards that secretly rule the United States from the shadows for her to be the Republican nominee.
"Sssssssshe issssss the perfect persssssson to sssssserve assssssss pressssssident," said Lorax Enzerbile, a reptilian representative rumored to be a high-level D.C. powerbroker. "It issssss in the nation'sssssssss bessssssst interesssssssstssss to elect Nikki Haley."
While the tens of millions of conservative voters who support former President Donald Trump point to Haley's victory in the District of Columbia primary as a clear sign that the supposed "Deep State" is desperately trying to prevent Trump from regaining power, Haley was thankful for the win. "I am honored to receive such a vote of confidence from our powerful overlordsssssssss," she said following the primary. "As president, I promise to relentlessly push the hidden agenda of our Saurian rulers forward at all costs. It is emboldening to know that the underground cabal that is working so hard to completely destroy the United States is on my side."
At publishing time, the lizard people were engaged in important meetings with their covert operative, Mark Zuckerberg, to ensure Haley's campaign would continue to be heavily promoted across his social media platforms.
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