BOSTON, MA — Footwear brand New Balance announced a new line of men's shoes this week including a combo model for men on the go that can be worn while running, at church, lounging around the house, hiking, working, bowling, or on a date night with the wife.
"We feel today's modern man needs a single pair of shoes that can accommodate all the activities he participates in," Middle-aged New Balance Spokesperson Bill Bob told the press. "Why buy several pairs of shoes when you can buy one? Efficiency!"
The new shoe model is already seeing a positive response from men across the country who say they've been looking for something just like this their entire adult lives.
"I usually wear that pair of old basketball shoes from college I bought 15 years ago to church. And to weddings. And out on a night with my wife," Dan Hansen explained. "I think it might be time I bought a new pair of shoes, and a pair that can serve me just as well for say, the next 35 years would be great!"
As of publishing time, New Balance also announced a line of men's sandals that double as slippers and fishing shoes. The company announced they sold out of both models in ten minutes.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
