MIAMI, FL — An NFL game almost became watchable today, but was saved at the last moment by veteran referee John Ross.
"Not on my watch," said Ross as he strode to midfield with his fellow referees, aimlessly launching a flag. "Now let's stand here and make hand gestures to each other for a couple minutes until all the momentum and excitement has left the building."
Before the incident, the game between the Dolphins and Patriots had been going along as usual, with inane penalties and countless delays sucking all the life out the atmosphere. "Somehow, right in the middle of second quarter, the stars aligned," said local fan Jimmy Stanton. "We got three whole plays in a row without a single interruption. Three! Man, we were on our feet, the players were in a rhythm, you could just feel the energy suddenly building in the stadium."
Sensing fans were starting to enjoy themselves, referee John Ross leaned on his years of training and quickly intervened. "There may be a day when an NFL game is interesting, but today is not that day," said Ross. "I just yelled, 'Illegal motioning shift in the backfield with more than two men moving without being on the line of scrimmage'. Then we got together in middle of the field and talked about soup for a couple minutes until everyone was bored again. It was a close call."
At publishing time, Ross had ensured that every play for the remainder of the game was plagued with commercial breaks, asinine penalties, and randomly adding one second back on to the game clock.
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