WASHINGTON, D.C.—Since Trump has vowed to nominate a woman to the Supreme Court, his shortlist of candidates has been reduced to just a few highly female judges. Signs were initially pointing to Amy Coney Barrett, but a new candidate has emerged from the shadows as a front-runner for the coveted nomination: Tedina Cruzette.
"I had never heard of this Tedina before," said Trump. "But she is very, very female, which is important, so important. She doesn't have much of a judicial track record, but she seems like a really smart cookie. Loves America. Loves our veterans and law enforcement. And she's not bad-looking either! I know I can't say that but some people are saying it, you know. Not bad-looking!" Trump then made the "curve" gesture with his hands.
Miss Cruzette is a Cuban-American legal expert from Texas. She is reportedly well-known by her peers as a real actual female and also an expert in all kinds of law stuff, as well as a totally huge fan of the Constitution. "Oh, I just adore the Constitution," said Cruzette before coughing loudly and clearing her throat. "Oops! I'm sorry my voice sounds a little funny. I've been a little under the weather, darling. I simply can't wait to accept Mr. Trump's fancy nomination and do all kinds of lovely things for America!"
Critics are concerned by Cruzette's thin judicial record and some have reported being a little freaked out that she walks around awkwardly with what appears to be a MyPillow stuffed in her dress.
"Oh that ain't no pillow, that's just me darling!" Cruzette said with a flirty grin to reporters yesterday. The interview was cut short, however, when Joe Biden attempted to sneak up behind her and sniff her hair.