U.S. — Advancements in ways to counter anxiety about the state of the country had experts encouraged, as a new study found the most effective treatment for depression to be watching scrawny libs getting absolutely manhandled by police.
The study, conducted over the past week by a conglomerate of socio-scientific experts, showed that seeing video footage of weak soy-boys and purple-hairs being tossed around haphazardly like sacks of old potatoes had a significantly positive impact on viewers who suffered from depressive thoughts.
"It's a remarkable breakthrough for anyone feeling down," said Dr. Blake Rumsey of the Center for Acquiring Knowledge. "We put the theory to the test with a group of people who were gravely concerned about the current state of affairs around the world. As soon as they spent some time watching law enforcement yeeting some noodle-armed college students around the quad, the test subjects felt much better."
One test subject, who asked to remain anonymous, testified to the treatment's efficacy. "It's true, I feel so much happier now," he said. "I had been feeling pretty depressed lately with all the unrest and protests and conflict everywhere you look. But as soon as I saw a police officer completely break some whiny co-ed in half with a textbook shoulder tackle, those sad feelings went away."
At publishing time, researchers were eager to test their theory further as universities across the country brought in law enforcement to deal with spoiled, unruly college liberals who were causing trouble on campuses.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
