IRVINE, CA — Though initial reports indicated that the recent cyclosporiasis outbreak had happened naturally through people consuming produce contaminated with parasites, officials announced on Wednesday that the explosive diarrhea epidemic had been traced to a gain-of-function lab at the Taco Bell Institute.
The outbreak has spread across a majority of the country, with thousands of Americans suffering from explosive diarrhea that evidence now shows resulted from research conducted at a top-secret Taco Bell laboratory.
"We have reasons to believe this was man-made," said Dr. Jay Bhattacharya, acting director for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. "The initial narrative for the source of the outbreak was contaminated lettuce, but that didn't really add up. We are now investigating a facility operated by the Taco Bell Institute to determine the extent of the research and what manner of ungodly scourge they may have knowingly unleashed on the public. They won't get away with this on our watch."
Though Taco Bell publicly denied any wrongdoing, inside sources revealed that such research has been happening in secret for decades. "They create horrible things in that place," one source said. "You think they're just in there coming up with new kinds of chalupas and Crunch Wrap Supremes? No. It's much worse than you can imagine. Someday, they're going to create something that wipes out most of the population. Don't say you weren't warned."
At publishing time, government officials were reportedly looking into rumors that Dr. Anthony Fauci had recently taken a high-ranking position with Taco Bell.
Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.
