DOHA — With the U.S. blockade of the important waterway back on amid renewed hostilities in Iran, President Donald Trump announced that he would secure the Strait of Hormuz by posting an old man who asks you three questions before you may pass.
The old man, who was reportedly discovered by U.S. military officials as he guarded a rickety bridge over a chasm in rural Britain known as the Gorge of Eternal Peril, will now be stationed on a dinghy in the Strait of Hormuz, where he will bar the passage of any vessel unless its crew can answer three questions.
"Who would cross the strait must answer me these questions three," the old man was overheard saying to an approaching ship. "Ere the other side he see."
Though details remained murky, reports indicated that the questions were "What is your name?", "What is your quest?", and a third question that varied between the interrogatee's favorite color, the capital of Assyria, and the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow. Anyone who failed to accurately answer all three questions was reportedly hurled through the air to an unknown location. President Trump was confident that the old man would keep the strait secure.
"Great guy, beautiful guy," Trump told reporters. "He's been doing this a long time, from what I've been told. Asking questions. And you better have the right answers. If you don't, you're toast. I met him. He asked me the questions, and I got all of them right. But not Dan Scavino. He got one wrong and was thrown somewhere. We don't know where. We're looking for him."
At publishing time, the old man had reportedly been defeated by a passing vessel after it answered his question about the velocity of an unladen swallow by asking him whether the swallow was African or European.
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