CAMBRIDGE, MA — As a foodborne illness continued to sweep across the United States and strike fear into the hearts of the nation's populace, scholars agreed that the explosive diarrhea outbreak likely signaled the outpouring of God's wrath upon vegetarians.
The outbreak of cyclosporiasis cayetanensis, which researchers have traced to the consumption of lettuce and other vegetables and produce that had been contaminated by parasites, causes horrific intestinal distress, which theologians and Bible experts speculated could potentially be a sign of the coming of the end times, including vegetarians receiving their rightful judgment at the hands of the Almighty God.
"Woe to the vegetarians, for they are receiving payment for their lifestyle," said Archibald Ravenscroft, Professor of Divinity at Harvard. "The Bible tells of an outpouring of God's wrath unlike anything mankind has ever witnessed. We now have reason to believe that this outbreak of intestinal illness may be the first sign that the Lord is judging humanity. He has begun, as we all would, with the vegetarians."
The team of scholars was in agreement that things were likely to get worse for the vegetarians before the final judgment. "They are receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error," Ravenscroft said solemnly. "And now they are unleashing that penalty in bathrooms across the country. If these days are not cut short, no vegetarian will be saved. May the Lord have mercy on them."
At publishing time, new evidence suggested that the next outpouring of God's wrath was likely being stored up for the vegans.
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