COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY — History has again repeated itself as communism once again devolved into mass starvation. The commies at Columbia University lasted less than twelve hours before running out of food and pleading for humanitarian aid, setting a new record for the collapse of communist food supply.
"Okay, time-out on the intifada revolution, we're out of pizza rolls," said Tara Gentry-Smith, protest organizer and self-proclaimed commie. "I'm going to go see if the people we just assaulted will send us some DoorDash. Ugh, why are we always running out of food?"
Communist protestors had barricaded themselves in buildings over the weekend and soon realized they had no means of production to feed themselves. Activists tried to enact communal ownership of the snacks they did have, but supplies ran out quickly.
"Man, why didn't we take over the food court?" lamented protestor Drake Jones. "I'm so hungry. I haven't had Chipotle in almost eight hours now! Still, I bet the people of Gaza are inspired by our sacrifice."
As of publishing time, the protestors had told onlookers that true communism hadn't been tried and that they were going to start a new, even better collective one building over.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
