WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth issued a new order that any military member who is discovered to have low testosterone be immediately transferred to the Navy.
Hegseth initiated mandatory testosterone testing for all members of the armed forces, and any soldier whose numbers fall below the normal range will instantly be reassigned to the Navy and issued a dandy little sailor outfit.
"There are three possible results for your testosterone labs: high, normal, or welcome to the Navy," said Hegseth. "Let's trade in those fatigues for a cute hat and kerchief. Next stop, step up and get your monkeypox vaccine, sailor. Welcome aboard."
The Pentagon believed the new directive would strengthen other military branches while making the Navy even more spectacularly fabulous. "The showtunes that the Navy choir will be able to pull off by this time next year will be insane," said Navy Captain Mark Brennan. "We're talking Hello Dolly, The Music Man, everything. This is absolutely a win-win for the whole military."
At publishing time, Hegseth had agreed that after a year of testosterone infusion therapy, Navy members could apply for a transfer back to their previous branch.
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