AUSTIN, TX — In a political maneuver of unparalleled brilliance, Vice President JD Vance callously disparaged millions of his own supporters, securing the vote of one hundred percent of the nation's Tucker Carlsons.
Vance managed the incredible political feat over the course of a three-hour discussion with podcaster Joe Rogan, earning the support of every single Tucker Carlson by repeatedly telling the voters who had previously supported him to "go to hell."
"Vance has somehow managed to lock down the vote of every single Tucker Carlson in America," said political analyst Mackenzie Foster. "It was a bold, ingenious move by Vance, one we frankly have never seen before from a politician. By insulting the integrity and intelligence of his own base, he came away with the support of one hundred percent of Tucker Carlsons. It's an extraordinary accomplishment."
Vance pulled off the coup by deftly accusing millions of conservatives of being ignorant shills. "Look, Joe — there are these stupid, moronic conservatives out there who had the audacity to criticize the peace deal I made with Iran," explained Vance. "Honestly, I cannot imagine how humiliated those conservatives are now, seeing how amazingly well my peace plan is working out. What a bunch of fools. They said I would never get the supposed 'terrorists' running Iran to change their ways, but look how it's going now, Joe. Everything is perfect in the Middle East, and any conservative who says otherwise is obviously getting paid by Israel to say so. There is literally no other logical explanation why anyone could criticize my peace deal."
At publishing time, Vance had excitedly learned that he had also secured fifty percent of the nation's Megyn Kellys, with the number moving between zero and one hundred percent depending on which way the wind was blowing that day.
Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.
