BALTIMORE, MD—A new study performed by researchers at Johns Hopkins University confirmed Monday that tomatoes can't dance nearly as well as cucumbers, which are known for their smooth dance moves, "like a lion chasing a mouse."
"Look at this poor tomato---isn't it sad? He can't dance," said the head researcher as he held a ripe tomato aloft. "He wishes he could dance, free and smooth, like a cucumber, but he can't." The researcher then demonstrated by setting the tomato on the counter and watching as it just sat there, not moving freely and rhythmically like a cucumber.
"It just sits there. It's not even wearing authentic Argentinian garb."
Tomato advocates have long claimed there was ample evidence they could dance, such as that one time at Uncle Louie's polka party. But new research disproves this notion. Scientists observed hundreds of tomatoes and couldn't find a single instance of a tomato dancing smoothly, with all the grace of butter on a bald monkey.
A further study will examine tomatoes' voices, to see if they can sing strong and sweet like a cucumber.