RICHMOND, VA—Embattled Virginia Governor Ralph Northam is fighting calls for his resignation over his past wearing of blackface. He assures the public that he is not a racist and that his policy of infanticide is to be applied equally to babies of all colors.
"When I look at babies, I don't see skin color," Northam told the press. "I just see obstacles to women's rights, to be executed after a consultation with a doctor."
Northam said he is just the target of a vicious "noticing campaign”, where people notice things he did and then mention the things that were noticed. "I was just a happy-go-lucky infanticide governor, and you could hardly drag the press to pay attention to me," Northam stated. "Now all of sudden I'm getting scrutinized like a common Republican."
Northam wasn't sure who was out to get him, but his best guess was "babies”. "I hate babies," Northam said before quickly adding, "but all of them equally, regardless of race."
Conservatives quickly condemned Northam's comments, leading to a headline in The New York Times reading "Conservatives Eagerly Pounce On Northam's Support For Equal Infanticide."