WASHINGTON, DC — An anonymous White House aide has leaked sensitive information which confirms the validity of rumors that have long been circulating throughout the nation's capital: Joe Biden "quiet quit" the presidency several months ago.
"I first became suspicious after his fifty-fourth vacation," said the anonymous tipster. "I only get two weeks a year!"
The White House aide continued, "But when he started to literally spend all of his time binge-watching Bluey and eating goldfish crackers, it really became evident that he just wasn't even trying anymore."
According to sources, it was common to see the president aimlessly wandering the halls of the White House ever since he took office but now even high-ranking members of the administration have been forced to admit that Biden's already low engagement has fallen to abysmal levels they never could have imagined.
Lead Secret Service Agent Sean Keller admitted, "I wish he'd wander off again. Watching the leader of the free world lounge around all day watching Disney Junior is demoralizing."
"It's almost as if he's trying even harder to not try at all, which is kind of inspiring, I guess," a member of the White House cleaning staff was heard saying. "I mean, if even the President of the United States can be so awful at his job that he stops caring and just starts coasting every day, then it shows that we all can aspire to do the same thing, right?"
At publishing time, Biden slipped past his Secret Service detail and was caught eating flowers from the White House Rose Garden. Agents were able to lure him back inside by leaving a trail of gummy bears for him to follow. They then shoved him in the basement."
"Works every time," said Agent Keller.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
