U.S. - Excitement across the nation has reached a fever pitch as the famed Powerball Lottery jackpot reached the staggering sum of two tanks of gas.
"Two tanks! Can you imagine?" said local man Bob Porter as he waited in line outside a 7-Eleven. "I'd use one to fill up my truck, and sell the other to pay off my kid's college and buy me a mansion! Move over, Billy Gates!"
The rush on lottery tickets is unprecedented since the creation of the Powerball. "I've never seen anything like it," said Ohio gas station attendant Marie Billings. "I will say though, part of the reason is that people stop to fill up with gas, realize they can't afford it, and have to buy a lotto ticket in hopes of being able to make it home. We've got a few dozen people living inside our little Marathon station right now, sleeping by the warmth of the hot dog roller."
Powerball officials have already said that unless the Keystone pipeline is opened, the two tanks of gas will have to be delivered via monthly installments instead of a lump sum. That has done nothing to deter lotto players, with over a million tickets being sold this week in California - where a single ounce of gas can now be traded for a Rolls-Royce.
At publishing time, Powerball announced that if no winning ticket is selected by Saturday, a can of baby formula will also be added to the jackpot.
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.