New, More Inclusive Birth Certificates Include No Unique Information
Life

SAN DIEGO, CA—After the urging of both the American Medical Association and the Maori demon-god Whiro, California has elected to remove all unique information such as biological sex, age, and birthplace from its birth certificates, making them more much inclusive. Instead, every birth certificate will only include the simple phrase "you were born."

"Assigning sex using binary variables in the public portion of the birth certificate fails to recognize the medical spectrum of gender identity," said Whiro, while chomping on the tasty souls of the damned. "We must remove all distinctions that could lead to discrimination or the denial of people's right to define their own reality and become their own gods. Um... and also their right to be damned so I can eat their souls." 

California will be the first state to implement the AMA's new recommendations. They will remove date of birth so that children can identify as whatever age they want, and sex—so that kids can identify as whatever gender they want. Place of birth, as well as words like "father" and "mother" will also be removed. This is expected to have no adverse side effects whatsoever. 

After some public outcry from Black Lives Matter, California agreed to keep "race" on the certificates, since that is the most important thing about you. 

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