Government Promises To Wrap Up War On COVID As Quickly And Efficiently As The War On Terror
Health

WASHINGTON, D.C.—White House press secretary Jen Psaki announced Monday that the Biden administration is committing to wage a war on COVID that will be as fast, efficient, and effective as the war on terror.

“Today, the Biden administration is pleased to declare an all-out war against COVID," Psaki said. “If the war on terror has taught us anything, it’s that if we set aside our political differences and spend a few dozen trillion dollars, there’s no end to what we can achieve in just 20 short years."

The plan is entitled “Two Decades To Stop The Spread,” and the crux of the program revolves around three initiatives: 

1. Expand the Transportation Safety Administration from 50,000 employees to fifty million employees. This will allow for 100% virus screening at all public and private indoor spaces carried out with the efficiency and professionalism that we’ve all come to expect from the TSA.

2. Enhanced use of domestic drone surveillance for contact tracing purposes, as well as the repurposing of drone-mounted munitions to drop vaccines instead of explosives. 

3. Expansion of the prison facility at Guantanamo Bay to hold our most dangerous political prisoners, such as folks who participated in the January 6 Capitol riot or those who share misinformation on Facebook. 

“With these initiatives in place, we believe we will quickly crush the virus and establish the first Galactic Empire for a safe and secure society!" Psaki said. Quickly correcting herself, she added, “Er, I mean we can get back to normal.” 

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