SACRAMENTO, CA—In order to prevent crimes of stabbing and reduce metal and plastic waste, the state of California has signed into law a requirement that all cutting implements be replaced with eco-friendly, 100% recycled paper knives.
Beginning in January of next year, restaurants, homes, and other businesses will be required to replace any sharp-edged tools like kitchen knives with new paper models. The paper models don't actually cut per se but do help you feel like you're doing something to help. People across the state are expected to cut their steaks, bread, and fruit with the flimsy knives that fold, crumble, and dissolve into a fine dust the second you try to cut anything.
"Yes, the paper knives will be almost entirely useless and you'll have to use, like, 300 of them to even make a dent in a piece of chicken, but this makes it look like we're doing something," said California Governor Gavin Newsom. "And if we don't do anything, people will start to wonder why they even need a government. Once word begins to leak out that you didn't do something about a non-existent crisis, people begin to disobey you, and then it's work, work, work all the time."
"So, yeah. Paper knives. Use them and love them. Or else."