JACKSONVILLE, TN — Baptist Publishing House has announced the publication of a new English translation of the Bible, the New Baptist Version or NBV, which helpfully replaces all instances of the word ‘hell' with ‘heck'.
"This is a necessary correction to what came before the NBV," said the head of the translation team, Billy Ray Williams. "There were all sorts of obviously incorrect translations floating around that made it sound like the H-E-Double-Hockey-stick word was on the lips of our Lord and various apostles and prophets. We know that people who are living a victorious life in the Spirit would never use such vulgar language."
"Oh praise Him Hallelujah for this new more accurate translation of the Holy Bible!" continued Billy Ray.
As an example of the helpful corrections Baptists have made in the New Baptist Version, check out the following translations of various Bible passages:
- Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in heck. (Matthew 10:28 NBV)
- If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into heck. (Matthew 5:29 NBV)
- "You serpents, you brood of vipers, how are you to escape being sentenced to heck? (Matthew 23:33 NBV)
- For if God did not spare angels when they sinned, but cast them into heck and committed them to chains of gloomy darkness to be kept until the judgment; (2 Peter 2:4 NBV)
"English readers of the Bible only had something like 300 translations to choose from and all of them got heck wrong since they were using the horribly corrupted Alexandrian and Byzantine manuscripts," said Billy Ray. "Good baptists and Christians — but I repeat myself — around the world can now read the one true inspired translation with the NBV."
At publishing time, the small team at Baptist Publishing House was celebrating the publication of the NBV with enough casseroles to feed several thousand people.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.