LOS ANGELES, CA — A reboot of the popular Pirates of the Caribbean film franchise will feature an all-female cast backing into rocks for two hours, says Disney.
"Women walk the plank together," a tagline for the film reads, referencing how women should stand together in life — and how they always go to the bathroom together for some reason.
The movie is expected to come in under budget thanks to the strategic use of Hollywood's gender pay gap combined with the fact the film only needs one set as the entire film takes place on a ship that has run aground on a section of rocks.
Though the previous film in the series, Dead Men Tell No Tales, ended in a cliffhanger, Disney CEO Bob Iger says it's time to go in a completely different direction and ignore the solid foundation that had previously been built.
"We have a really good, exciting story about women trying to captain a pirate ship," he said. "It has something new to say. About women. Maybe the environment, too. Oh, you know what? Mother nature! That's the ticket. She'll be the villain, but by the end of the movie everyone will learn to respect the environment (and women) and the ship will be set free from the jagged rocks."
"The rocks are a metaphor for men. And big oil."
According to sources, the movie starts with a big action sequence in which the ship backs into a bunch of rocks as the female Jack Sparrow is too busy checking her makeup in her little hand mirror thingie. About halfway through, the women free themselves only to back up into even more rocks.
Rian Johnson has signed on to direct.
"Get ready to be subverted," Johnson said at a special fan announcement.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
