LOS GATOS, CA — As Netflix announced the loss of one million subscribers this month, ten million people have also discovered that for some reason their Netflix login no longer seems to be working.
"What a bummer," said local man Jonathan Randolph as he repeatedly tried to open the app. "My cousin never said anything about canceling his subscription. Wait a second, was I using my sister's account? Aw, who can remember!"
After years of spending billions to make terrible content instead of licensing shows that people want to watch, Netflix is starting to reconsider its approach. "We were so sure that removing 'The Office' to fund more dark, disturbing shows about murder was going to work," said CEO Sylvia Hazeltine. "We did succeed in cornering the market on pedophiles who love to watch Cuties, but sadly there just aren't enough out there."
Netflix has also promised to change course by cracking down on account sharing after a survey found that most customers couldn't even name the person whose account they were using. "The account sharing has gotten out of hand," said manager Dave Harrison. "We found several instances where a person with an account had actually passed away, so the people at the funeral all got his login information. We estimate that currently, about one million viewers are streaming Netflix through someone's account who isn't even alive. Not great for business."
At publishing time, Netflix announced a new plan to lure back subscribers by offering six free months of Hulu.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.