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Nazis Clarify They're Only Calling For 'Democratic Nazism'

ARLINGTON, VA—At a press conference on Thursday, American Nazi Party leader Emmett Scoggins told reporters that his group is not trying to instate full-on Nazism, but a much better system called “democratic Nazism.”

“People have us all wrong,” Scoggins explained. “We love democracy. We want people to be able to freely vote and have a voice at the ballot box.” 

Reporters asked Scoggins if, under democratic Nazism, people could just use their democratic voting rights to vote against Nazism. He replied, “No, they could not. That wouldn’t be one of the things you could vote for.” He then clarified, “The things you could vote for would be stuff like how Nazi should we go? Double-Nazi? Triple-Nazi? Nazi-nine-thousand? The choices would be endless, but of course all Nazi choices.”

Scoggins was questioned about the use of the word “democratic” and how democratic Nazism was any different from plain-old Nazism. “The main difference is we add the word ‘democratic’ on there because people like that word a lot more than just plain ‘Nazi,’” Scoggins said. “We’ve added the word to all of our unpopular practices. Democratic racism, democratic beat-downs, democratic censorship, democratic genocide. All of those things poll much higher if we call them democratic.” 

The conference ended with a long speech from Scoggins about everything wrong with America, the need for democratic Nazism, and an impassioned appeal on how “real” Nazism has never been tried.