U.S.—Uncontrollable wailing could be heard across the land Tuesday as American Republicans from coast to coast wept bitterly upon learning that Hillary Clinton had finally announced that she will not be running for president in 2020, multiple sources confirmed.
“Please, God, let it not be true!” one sobbing Detroit man told reporters, explaining in between sniffles that a Trump vs. Clinton rematch would not only be a guaranteed victory for the president and embarrassment for the Democrats, but a spectacle of entertainment the likes of which the world has never seen.
“No more ‘hot sauce’? No more 'WHY AREN'T I FIFTY POINTS AHEAD?' No more ‘I’m just chillin’? No more ‘you’d be in jail’? This can't be happening! Nooooooooo!”
Reporters tried to interview another conservative from California but were unsuccessful, as he was too busy screaming at the sky.
At publishing time, Democrats across the nation were seen embracing, dancing, and high-fiving.