WASHINGTON, D.C. — National Public Radio, a government-supported news organization, is vehemently denying "slanderous" accusations that they are national and public.
"This false, libelous, scandalous, sickening, spurious claim about NPR is a shameful misrepresentation of the facts spread by Nazi white supremacists like Elon Musk," said NPR President John Lansing. "Just because we are funded by the state and dedicate every editorial decision to supporting the ever-growing intrusion of state power on public and private life until all freedom is driven out of the hearts of mankind for all eternity, doesn't mean we are some kind of state-supported media company. That's ridiculous."
Experts at state-supported NPR confirmed that NPR is "completely independent" and "totally real news." They also assured that NPR is only minimally supported by the government, with the rest of the support coming from 80-year-old Communists buying overpriced tote bags in exchange for a tax break. "We urge all listeners to support us as a reliable, non-partisan, not-at-all-government-funded source for news about how the government can solve all your problems," said Lansing.
At publishing time, NPR leadership had admitted some government involvement in their programming but insisted it was just the Chinese government.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
