U.S.—The nation, long thought to be far too apathetic to ever do anything about the bloated federal government's massive overreach into citizens' everyday lives, has finally been incited to rebel after the government went too far by taking away an hour of precious, God-given sleep Saturday evening.
Riots, protests, and finally a full-fledged armed rebellion erupted across the nation after the government meddled in the thing Americans love almost as much as cheeseburgers: a sweet, blissful night of sleep.
"I was OK with the $22 trillion debt, the ever-increasing taxes, and the endless wars, but this is too far," said one militia member in Kentucky as he cleaned his AR-15 in preparation for an assault on Washington, D.C. "Don't tread on the greatest gift the Lord has given us: a few hours to conk out and recharge the ol' batteries."
"The trampling of our civil and religious liberties was bad, of course, but this was the last straw," he added before jumping into a stolen Huey chopper.
The rebellion is made up of people from all walks of life: young, old, religious, agnostic, Democrat, Republican. The divided nation appears to have finally found something everyone agrees on: the government shouldn't mess with the few hours of sleep we manage to get each night.
At publishing time, the rebellion had been quelled as the feds assured the nation the hour of sleep had just been borrowed and would be returned in November.