U.S. — Across the nation, Americans are coming to terms with the catastrophic news that Congress has resumed functioning.
"Tell me it's not true," said small business owner Larry Higgins, staring at the sky. "Oh Lord, what have we done to deserve this??"
During the recent, brief period of governmental collapse, Americans began to see a faint ray of hope. "If this shutdown grinds on for even a few months, can you imagine how well off the country would be?" local pastor Dean Benson thought wistfully. "With even just a few weeks of people not being actively robbed, pushed towards war, or having their freedom stripped, America might have a real chance. Too bad."
For decades now, Americans have watched with resignation as against all odds, every single thing Congress has done has made the country worse. "You would think at some point, just by blind chance, Congress would accidentally do something helpful," said Mr. Higgins. "Their streak of constant damage is really quite astounding, just from a statistical perspective. It would almost be awe-inspiring if they weren't directly ruining people's lives."
At publishing time, Americans were holding out hope that a Congress that struggled so mightily to pick a guy to bang a gavel might also struggle to do anything else.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
