Mounted Border Patrol Ordered To Replace 'Whips' With Bags Of Money

DEL RIO, TX—After weeks of being placed on leave, Texas border patrol agents are finally returning to the border on their horses. This time, however, they will be carrying giant sacks of money instead of their leather reins.

"This is our way of showing who we are as Americans," said the newly appointed Border Patrol Chief Zamby Fiddlepoot. "Our agents have all been given 320 hours of anti-racist and sensitivity training. We also chemically castrated them. They will just hand out hugs and money now." 

The newly trained agents will patrol the border day and night, giving $450,000 to every illegal crosser they meet.

"Howdy, pardners!" said one officer to a small group of 3,200 migrants approaching him. "Please allow me to apologize for oppressing you with my cisgender colonial whiteness! Please take this money as a token of our apology and come on in!"

Unfortunately for the migrants, experts predict $450,000 will not be enough to fill a tank with gas in a few weeks due to inflation. 


Gregory Ilinovich loves murdering people with illegal guns - so he's a bit concerned about all these new gun regulations. Luckily, he tends not to follow laws anyway.

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