EGYPT — Moses delivered the Lord's command to Israel that every family must gather a double portion of Chick-fil-A on Saturday, knowing that none may be gathered on Sunday.
"And the Lord has said to me, 'I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites. At twilight you will eat delicious nuggets, and in the morning, you will be filled with chicken biscuits'," said Moses. "Yet in this way, I will test them to see if they follow my instructions. On Saturday, they must gather a double portion of nuggets - for on Sunday, I will send great cravings for Chick-fil-A upon them. Yet the doors to fresh chicken will be closed on Sunday, and for none shall they open."
The Israelites rejoiced and sang songs of praise to the Lord that evening - for indeed, every man, woman and child ate their fill of nuggets and waffle fries. On the first weekday, Moses declared, "No food is to be kept until morning." However, some Israelites kept the food overnight, only to discover the next day how badly waffle fries reheat.
On Saturday, every Israelite was allowed a second helping of Christian chicken and fries to keep for the next day. To their great surprise, the Lord miraculously made the waffle fries to reheat perfectly on Sunday, as crisp as the moment they came out of the oil. And then did the Israelites greatly praise the Lord, and break out into endless refrains of "Good Good Father".
The Israelites thus ate Chick-fil-A for the next forty years, likely explaining Israel's rampant obesity epidemic at the time they reached Canaan.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
