COLUMBIA, SC — Local man Alex McIlvaine stumbled upon the brilliant idea today of adding a little sign to his cigar humidor that reads "Smokeable essential oils."
"See babe! It's just like the diffuser you have, but a little more direct," explained Mr. McIlvaine to his wife. "Oo, a Padron! This one is good for arthritis, I think. Probably fixes Celiac disease too!"
An outraged Mrs. McIlvaine pushed back on his audacious claim of a cigar fixing arthritis, but Mr. McIlvaine simply asked to see what evidence she had that lavender cured diabetes. "Hey, fair is fair," said Mr. McIlvaine. "I'll continue agreeing that this vague scent of lemon can cure smallpox, so long as we can agree this lovely Rocky Patel cigar here will lower my cholesterol."
Mr. McIlvaine reportedly conceived the idea after seeing his wife order an essential oils set, which came in a box shockingly similar to a humidor. "That was when I realized, essential oils are just cigars for women," said Mr. McIlvaine. "Women feel a need to unwind, so they light up, breathe the fumes, and make the whole house smell. It's the exact same experience. The only difference is the delightful smell of tobacco versus some weird herb."
At publishing time, Mr. McIlvaine reportedly had lit up a Monte Cristo in order to fix his male-pattern baldness.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
