Man Crestfallen To Learn Smash Bros. Skills 'Not Really Much Of A Factor' During Job Interviews
Life · Oct 17, 2022 ·

ALBUQUERQUE, NM — Local man Jason Malone was disappointed to learn that his impressive Super Smash Bros skills have not really been considered during several recent interviews. He reports that after three interviews, no prospective employers have seemed impressed by his incredible talent at "absolutely destroying" his opponents across any stage from Final Destination to the "annoying stages like WarioWare, Inc."

"This is disappointing," said Malone, speaking from his mother's basement. "My K/D ratio is impressive. It takes perseverance, focus, and dedication to achieve a K/D like that. Are these not the very qualities an employer looks for? As always, we gamers are being discriminated against!"

Malone pointed out that his Smash Bros. talents point to his ability to be a "well-rounded employee." "Look, I'm versatile. I don't just main an OP character like Mythra and Pyra. I like to change things up: Ganondorf? Sure. Game and Watch? Classic. I'll even play as Pichu and mop the floor with noobs online all day. That takes a good head on your shoulders."

Malone's mom empathized with her son. "You should see my boy Jason when he's playing as that cute little green dinosaur guy," she said. "He's amazing! At least, that's what I've been told. Companies should care about this."

Cooper Randall, the manager of a local sales firm who wasn't swayed by Malone's meticulously listed Smash Bros. history, disagreed with the idea that the K/D streak should factor into his hiring decisions. "The only smashing that matters to us, is smashing sales records. And how'd you get in here anyway?"

Malone has an interview scheduled at the local Wendy's next week and says he plans on training with Bowser and the Ice Climbers in preparation.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.

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