TOLEDO, OH — A wave of various illnesses swept through a local family this week after a mother took her youngest child to the doctor's office for a wellness check and brought home 12 new diseases.

"We're not even sure what half of them are," said Ashley Smith, mother of five. "Everyone was totally healthy until we took our little one to the doctor's office. Have you seen these places? They're like leper colonies. You might as well take your child into an infectious disease vault at the CDC and rub Petri dishes all over their bodies."

A recent study indicated pediatricians' offices are a virulent breeding ground for a wide range of plagues, both known and unidentified. "It's one of the most dangerous places to take your children," said Professor David Cathcart, lead researcher at the Institute for Gathering Knowledge. "We've found widespread outbreaks of chicken pox, hand, foot, and mouth disease, ebola, smallpox, and the Black Death. And that was just at one doctor's office."

Young Talia Smith soon became sick after her health checkup and subsequently spread various illnesses around to her older siblings. "We're nearing Armageddon over here," said the children's father, Josh Smith. "I've instructed the kids to wander the halls of the house shouting ‘Unclean!' but it hasn't kept stuff from spreading like wildfire. Pray for us. Or, actually, pray for my wife."

At publishing time, representatives from the World Health Organization had arrived on site and recommended to local authorities that they close off several square miles around the Smiths' home to prevent a new global pandemic.

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