KANSAS CITY, MO — A local mother expressed relief and finally sat down to rest from her marathon session of doomsday preparation, confident that her family was now ready to endure the upcoming outbreak of World War III because her tomato plant had sprouted.
"I wasn't entirely sure we were ready for the new War to End All Wars," said Lacy Smith. "But now that the tomato plant has officially sprouted, it's pretty safe to say we've got things covered. We are now a self-sustaining family and can face the coming nuclear holocaust with the knowledge that we won't starve! I love homesteading!"
Families across the country have begun taking the necessary steps to prepare for everything from food and gasoline shortages to attacks on the energy grid and open war in the streets. Dedicated homesteaders are supremely confident that their skills in gardening, fire-building, rainwater collection, and sourdough bread baking will allow them to withstand the horrible scourge on humanity the next World War is sure to bring about.
"There's a lot of uncertainty in the world these days," Lacy said with a calm and resolute tone. "Thankfully, we've spent years preparing for what's coming. We now have enough tomatoes, sourdough starter, and egg-laying chickens to get us through. To think where we'd be if I hadn't bought those cute little gardening gloves at Aldi and started gardening all those years ago!"
At publishing time, Lacy was researching methods for trapping and preparing wild urban squirrels as an additional food source for her family and making sure her strategic essential oil reserve was fully stocked to treat any potential physical ailments caused by nuclear fallout and radiation poisoning.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: