WASHINGTON, D.C. — First, there were the loaves and the fishes. Then came the Trump Presidency. Now, the United States has been blessed to witness another miracle, as President Biden has ended the same COVID-19 pandemic three times in a row.
"No other President has ended the COVID-19 pandemic even once, let alone three times," said gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre at a press conference that still bars entry to anyone who has not recently tested negative, and also mandates the unvaccinated to wear masks and social distance.
"However, we must make this clear," stated Jean-Pierre. "The ongoing pandemic, which President Biden has ended multiple times, is not over."
Critics have voiced concerns about President Biden taking credit for ending the ongoing pandemic, and wonder if President Trump should also receive credit for Operation Warp Speed, which helped rush Pfizer's perfect, 100% effective COVID-19 vaccine into our veins, then hearts.
At publishing time, Biden's team had confirmed there will be a fourth, pandemic-ending miracle in our future, right before the 2024 election.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
