DETROIT, MI—Much like Job from the Bible, Stephen Bowen found his faith tested by Satan when calamity struck, giving him extremely unreliable internet for three whole hours one evening.
It started as he sat down to continue binge-watching Supernatural. The show buffered and buffered but would not load. Plugging and unplugging the modem brought no solace. He had to eat his Hot Pockets in silence, but his faith did not waiver.
Next, Bowen was suddenly struck with extreme curiosity as to where the abbreviation for pounds comes from, but Google would not load the answer. So he stood there in ignorance, but still he worshiped: “The Lord gives bandwidth, and the Lord takes it away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!”
Finally Bowen settled down to play some Fortnite, but he was assailed on all sides due to an extreme ping of around 1000 ms. “Curse God and die!” urged his teammates. But Bowen persisted, despite being completely useless. “Though I am slain by noobs because of my latency, yet will I trust Him,” he whispered.
Afterwards, Bowen decided to engage in the activity everyone did before the internet was invented: sit on the couch and stare blankly at a wall. But he continued in his faith. With Satan finally defeated, the Lord blessed Bowen with twice as much bandwidth and a 3ms ping, and his enemies could not prevail against him in his next Fortnite game.