WASHINGTON, D.C. - Showing himself to be a compassionate man of the people who cares deeply about the plight of the downtrodden, Senator Bernie Sanders selflessly offered a stack of bills to a homeless man on the street Monday after fishing the money out of a purse sitting next to a woman on a park bench.
Sanders had been crouched in shrubbery that lined the street, on the prowl for people who looked like they had too much money when he leaped out to steal the wallet from the purse of the woman. "He was surprisingly sneaky for a 76-year-old guy," said one onlooker.
The Vermont senator was reportedly thinking of saving the money for himself.
But just then, he saw a homeless man sitting nearby, begging for money. Moved by the pathetic sight of the man's disheveled appearance, Sanders found it in his heart to commit a random act of kindness, digging through the wallet until he was able to find several $20 bills and slipping them into the man's hand.
"It's not theft - it's redistribution," he told reporters later. "I was simply benefiting one citizen at the expense of another - doing what any old citizen couldn't do without committing a crime. But it's different because I'm the government, see?"
At publishing time, the Senator was seen pocketing the rest of the money.