NEW YORK, NY — As part of its ongoing agenda to minimize human errors that affect games, Major League Baseball announced that, in addition to using the "Automated Ball-Strike System" technology, all umpires would be replaced with cardboard cutouts.
Though the decision was controversial, MLB officials stressed that phasing out human umpires in favor of cardboard cutouts of the supreme leader of Iran was a necessary step in the evolution of the game.
"It should help the games go a lot more smoothly," said MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred. "We understand that this is a big change from the way the game has been played since its inception well over a century ago, but as technology changes the world we live in, baseball must change with it. In light of that fact, effective immediately, all human umpires will be replaced with cardboard cutouts of the ayatollah."
Despite the stark difference, players seemed to be receptive to playing games with a cardboard cutout of Iranian leader Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei behind the plate instead of traditional live umpires. "It's a night and day difference," said Los Angeles Angels outfielder Mike Trout. "With the ayatollah cutout, you can always count on the strike zone being consistent. Plus, it's nice to be able to say what we want without worrying about an umpire arguing back at us."
"It might take some time to get used to, but I'm cool with it," said Yankees catcher Austin Wells. "He even has a little basket on the back with extra baseballs. So that's cool."
At publishing time, the multiple spring training games had been interrupted by U.S. airstrikes that took out the cardboard ayatollahs.
Do you think you can guess which one is the terrorist?
