EAGAN, MN — In a move intended to better reflect the state's modern demographics and generate more interest in the team from the populace, the Minnesota Vikings announced that they were changing their name to the Minnesota Somali Pirates.
Though the franchise had built a proud tradition since joining the NFL in 1961, team ownership reportedly decided that updating the team's name, logo, and mascot could lead to an increase in fan interest among Minnesota's growing Somali migrant population.
"This could be a huge boost in interest and revenue," said Steve Poppen, the team's Executive Vice President and Chief Business Administration Officer. "We're always looking for ways to draw more fans to the team, whether they be native Minnesotans, transplants from other states, or volatile third-world migrants who are slowly overtaking the state. We think they're really going to get excited about the team's new branding. Especially our new mascot, Walid the Pirate, who will take the place of the beloved but outdated Viktor the Viking. Even our new logo conveys the message, ‘Look at me — I am the football team now.'"
The team said it was leaning into the change, including making giant foam machetes and AK-47s available in the team store. "We want the new fans to feel right at home," Poppen explained. "We can already tell that opposing teams and their fans will be terrified to come into the hostile territory of our stadium. Venture here at your own risk. I mean that literally."
At publishing time, the team also announced that the Somali national anthem "Qolobaa Calankeed" would now be played before the start of every home game.
Heartwarming!
