Health
Millions Of Marshmallow Peeps Begin Annual Migration Back To Isle Of Disgusting Candies

U.S.—The Animal Conservation Society confirmed Monday that the annual migration of the marshmallow Peeps candies began after Easter, with hundreds of millions of the unsold, uneaten, and unloved marshmallow candies returning home for a long furlough until next spring.

The bland, stale marshmallow critters returned to their native environment on the Isle of Disgusting Candies after waiting hopelessly on store shelves for a loving family to take them in this Easter holiday. Target and Walmart both ran “Adopt-a-Peep” charity days in hopes to get many of the repulsive fowl a “forever family,” but the events proved to be mostly fruitless.

“Overpopulation of Peeps is a real problem, and I think it’s something we need to begin raising awareness about,” ACS president Michael Schneider said Monday. “Many families will take in a few packs of Peeps, only to leave them uneaten in the cupboard for three years or more. A lot of care and an iron stomach are needed to eat these things, so make sure your family is ready before you take the big step of purchasing a family-sized pack.”

Peeps of all colors gathered on the Western shores of the United States before beginning their treacherous swim back to their mythical home. Hundreds of nature enthusiasts turned out to take pictures and video of the impressive migratory patterns. Brave little Peeps leaped into the waves and began their swim, and soon, the rest of the flock followed. Some naturalists have suggested that up to 50% of the Peep flock doesn’t make it home, with many drowning in the rough waters of the Pacific, and others being eaten by predators who don’t have discerning taste buds.

At publishing time, the world’s candy corns had begun preparing for their months-long journey from the Isle of Disgusting Candies to the U.S. and other parts of the world for the autumn season.